Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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