after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
