At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
My first STD was from a foam party
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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