I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Randomize
