My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
