Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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