I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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