someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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