Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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