Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
You were trust falling into bushes
Randomize
