Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
not ubering you a puppy
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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