I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
