I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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