Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
