He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
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He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
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I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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