i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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