You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
