My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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