wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
