Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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