When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
