I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
