if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
