3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i think my tv is drunk
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
