im about as happy as oj after his trial
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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