Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
