Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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