You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
