My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
