just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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