I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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