tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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