I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
