You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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