All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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