DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
you are never too drunk for berry picking
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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