sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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