I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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