i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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