My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
