fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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