There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
