you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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