Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
