i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
