im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
