I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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