Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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