Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
