I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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