i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
