broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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