happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
