Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
