gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
soo... how was my night?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
