You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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