Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
